What were you there for?

I don't know why I was particularly thinking of this.

Strike that. I know exactly why. My pictures were scrolling on my screensaver and I looked up at the corkboard above my bed with the pictures collaged on it. Oh and my picture mobile, my other corkboard with just KD girls on it, and my pictures in frames on my nightstand.

I started really looking at them. So many great friends. So many beautiful girls. The former and the latter had people that I thought:

Huh? What the hell was the point of them being involved in my life? What were you there for?

Really. It's my thought. Some people are obvious. Others... not so much. Still others I thought were obvious, then really thinking about it, not so much. Certain people I wonder why I let them into my life in the first place. Some people I saw as leeches. Some torturers. Some the most genuine people I know.

Some people that I was madly in love with and the love was reciprocal. Some the love wasn't returned at all.

About two weeks ago Alexandra and I cleaned out my closet. It was interesting finding some old stuff, remembering the old days in my head with certain people, then watching Alexandra quickly throw those memories in the trash.

It hurt a little, seeing such large parts of my life that were former treasures simply dismissed as modern day garbage, but what are you gonna do? I doubt that keeping a collage that a current married woman (shit. Two collages from current married women) once gave me ranks high on my current significant other's priority list.

I write this because soon all these other pictures of people are going to come down. They won't find the same demise as the collages, of course, but it'll suck not seeing them all the time.

I just wish the pictures could talk before they come down. Maybe they could answer my questions. What were you there for? What did you teach me? Why did you tell me you loved me? Why did you stab me in the back, especially when all I did was promote you? Why did I believe in you? On top of that why did you do a shitty job when you took over for me? Why won't you answer the phone when I call anymore?

I miss you guys. Even the backstabbers.

Must Write...

So I really need to start writing here more.

Mostly for the fact that I think it would be most therapeutic and that I might be able to analyze myself from the free flowing thoughts that run through my head.

Over and over the one constant is fear of failure. Why I just don't know?

I've been told my entire life by people, not just family, that I seem that I'm destined for success. I have a great mind and I'll go far. Your creativity knows no bounds. Blah Blah Blah.

Bullshit? Maybe. Maybe not. Perhaps I haven't found myself yet. Which is sad because I'm going to be 27 in a week. Currently it's not as if I don't like my job, because I do, I think I just need to get to that part where it feels like second nature. There's been so much information/responsibility thrust upon me so quickly plus I need to do well in order to make money.

I hate that success is nearly based upon that. Money. Can't we go back to bartering?

I think that perhaps I'm not as outgoing or confident as I always thought I was... either that or I just need to find my confidence within this new job so I am able to turn it into a career.

I think that is what needs to happen.

Anywho, for my birthday I don't know what to do. Some friends are going to come into town and my local friends, some of them I haven't seen or talked to in weeks so that sucks. Chris wants me to just throw a party at my home. I do want to get a group of people for dinner on Friday then Saturday, a day time outing then a party at my house.

We'll see I suppose. I just want to have fun and want these weekends to not seem so short. HA! I did get to sleep in for once today. Heading to bed now so I can wake up super early. Monday = ClientBuilder. This week sucked so I'm gonna hear it tomorrow. Guh.

I think I Brained my Damage...

Seriously.

I think this is too much sometimes. 9 to 5 getting financial information being drilled into your head by a 60 year old man... it really is getting to be too much. Then to come home and go over my notes and take some practice exams.

It will all be worth it. I hope. What I have made myself believe is even though this country is in the financial quagmire (See: financially fucked), I see this as one of the best times to learn all of this information. I'll be on the upswing of the economy as I start out. Sometimes I just want to say fuck it and forget all of this, but there is too many people counting on me.

First of all. Myself. I need to take care of myself better. This job will give me the freedom to do what I want, when I want pretty much. Hit my numbers and I am free to do what I want. Plus, I'll be making good money to take care of myself, my family, Alexandra, and my friends. I need to start seriously saving for a home. I want to pay off my car without a problem. I want to start attending American Top Team to get into shape. I want to be able to not worry and put a cap on my spending when Alex comes into town.

Alex is calling... More tomorrow... I need to get back into the swing of this thing.

It's too fucking late...

It's too fucking late. I need to sleep. I have to go to class again tomorrow to pump my head full of shit I'll probably hate myself for doing in a year.

Things have a funny way of happening though. You never know, maybe I won't be sick of it.

I'm just trying to be happy.